Coming Home

I.

Anders curled up on the back porch, the hood of his coat pulled up over his head, eyes squeezed shut as he buried his face in his arms, balanced on his knees. Cool air breezed by him, and he shivered, curling up even tighter with a small sniffle. He didn’t know why Parks had brought him here, but she’d been nice to him the entire time. Ever since she’d found him and let him stay with her, she’d been nursing him back to health, giving him the home he hadn’t known since his parents had left him all alone. She would just smile at him and ask him if he was okay, and she wasn’t looking at him with the same mean eyes that everyone else did. She wasn’t acting like he was a problem, or like he was gonna make things bad again, and maybe this was what it was supposed to feel like to have a family that loved him.

And then she’d taken him to this lake house because she’d known he hadn’t wanted to stay in the city - not when Lucian and his friends were there and they’d just keep hurting him over and over and over. She’d grinned at him, telling him that the house belonged to one of her friends, and that this friend wouldn’t have any problems with her using it when he wasn’t around. He’d told her that he didn’t mind her inviting guests, either, so she didn’t see any reason why she couldn’t bring Anders along.

But for some reason, everything just felt so wrong. Like somehow, some way, he was going to mess things up.

Even though he didn’t want to. Even though all he wanted was a family. Even though he didn’t want to keep ruining everything, but he did anyway and he didn’t know how to stop that and maybe his parents wouldn’t have left if he did and then he wouldn’t have been all alone for so long.

Even though he just didn’t want to keep feeling like everyone hated him. Even though he’d tried so hard to be good, to be what people wanted, but he didn’t know what they wanted anymore and he just...he wanted someone to finally love him and stop looking at him like he was a monster.

He’d squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears, but the burn wouldn’t go away, and the painful tightness was in his throat, and he’d ended up climbing off the couch to go outside and get away because maybe he wouldn’t be able to ruin anything from out there.

But it didn’t make the tears stop, or the painful feeling in his throat, or the deep hole in his heart. He just pulled his knees even closer, crying and coughing into his sleeves and hoping that maybe, somehow, all the hurt would just go away.

“Hey, kid.” He whipped his head up, wiping his eyes when he saw Parks coming closer and sitting next to him. She put her hand on his shoulder, rubbing it a little. “You okay? It seems kinda cold out here; how about we eat some food inside?”

Anders shook his head and closed his eyes because he didn’t want to go inside. He didn’t want to keep feeling like the room was closing in around him, like everything was just waiting for when he would make things go wrong, and he’d end up on his own all over again. He didn’t want to keep being reminded how alone he always felt. “I shouldn’t be here. Not supposed to be here.”

“Aldan? He...well, he’ll come around. How’s this: I’ll go get us some food, and we can eat out here?” He looked up at her and the warm look in her eyes, and then he nodded, because he couldn’t be back in there right now. She gave him a smile and patted his shoulder before standing up and going inside, coming back out with two bowls and giving one to him.

They ate quietly for a while before she looked at him again. “You know, it isn’t that Aldan doesn’t like you. He’s...I guess he’s kinda scared of nothing. But that’s how he always is, and he’ll figure it out eventually.”

But what if he wasn’t being scared of nothing? What if Anders was something to be scared of? “What if there’s something wrong with me?”

“What do you mean? There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Anders shook his head and looked into his lap. Because that couldn’t be right. Why else would his parents just leave? Why else would Lucian keep hurting him? Why else would nobody help him when he was cold and hurt and so, so scared? “Everyone always leaves. No one wants me and I don’t know why and - and people look at me like I’m gonna hurt them but I’m not trying to. I don’t want to, but it feels like I am and I just,” he couldn’t help but hug himself, the tears falling all over again, “I just don’t wanna be alone. Just wanna have a family and I’m scared.” The coughs came back, ripping at his chest and throat, and he curled up to try and make it feel better, but he couldn’t stop the sobs and coughs from mixing together until he couldn’t breathe and everything just hurt so badly.

He felt her come closer, one of her arms around him, a hand rubbing circles into his back and making the coughs go away. But his heart was still making his chest hurt so much, and she ended up pulling him close to her, letting him cry into her clothes. “There isn’t anything wrong with you, and anyone who told something like that to you has something wrong with them instead.” He just buried himself even closer, because that didn’t seem like it was true, but he wanted it to be true. He wanted it so badly, because he didn’t want to keep feeling so broken. He didn’t want to find out he was broken. “And, I mean, you’re here ‘cause I want you to have a family, too, and I think you deserve that. I guess I’ve still gotta figure out how all of this works, but maybe we can start by having Aldan apologize. How’s that sound?”

Anders nodded, mostly just wanting to stay close to her for as long as he could, feeling safe for the first time he could remember.

II.

Still strange, really, seeing this place in his dream. Figured he should be more used to it by now, considering how things seemed to work - more like being in a new world than just a dream. Didn’t make it less of a surprise, though, seeing the familiar building, grabbing a drink and settling down to a familiar view.

It’d been over ten years since he’d last been to the lake house, since he’d really thought about it at all. Probably explained why it still looked the same, still felt the same, still summoned the same feelings he remembered from when he was a kid. Even though it’d never been this empty all those other times. Felt almost wrong, except it didn’t, drowned out by other emotions he couldn’t even start sifting through.

“You know,” Anders turned at the sound of the familiar voice, jolted from his thoughts as Alex rounded the corner of the building, “I didn’t know this dream world of ours had anything but that one town, but I guess it was nice to be proven wrong.”

He just shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “Didn’t know either. Haven’t been here long.” Which was mostly true. Hadn’t known he’d find this place. Just...ended up happening.

“Really?” Alex rose an eyebrow, eyeing the empty cup in Anders’ lap. “I take it you got comfortable pretty quick. You care if I get a drink?”

“Feel free. All on the bottom shelf.”

“Right. Be back in a second.” Listened more than watched as Alex disappeared, looking back at the lake and shifting where he was sitting on the porch, leaning back against the house and pulling his coat just a little closer. Not because it was cold. Just because he didn’t think he’d see this place again. Hadn’t really planned to, not when he’d barely moved past the ghosts in Parks’ house. Didn’t know what to think, even seeing it only in a dream.

“So...what is this place anyway?” Felt Alex sit down, start looking around. “I’m guessing you know?”

He took a breath, watching the surface of the lake, the same view he remembered since he was a kid. “House one of Parks’ friends owned. Used to come here as a kid when she had to lay low. And…” Felt his throat tighten, and he glanced down at the empty cup in his lap, hadn’t realized he’d starting fiddling with it. Didn’t know why, aside from the sudden weight heavy in his chest, the same deep, dark ache that stopped the words on his lips.

Least until his heart jumped at the feeling of a hand on his, gentle and twining their fingers together. Looked to the side to see Alex’s eyes on him, warm and soft. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, you know. It’s totally fine. Seriously.”

Anders shook his head, looking back into his lap. Wanted to tell him; no reason not to, either. “Just…” didn’t know why it was so hard. They’d all been good memories - something he didn’t have many of - only bittersweet now. Even the first time she’d brought him here, because, “One of the first places that felt safe. Made me feel like I actually had a family for once. Least ‘til I met all of you.” He glanced to his left again, letting the corner of his lip barely curl up at Alex’s smile, though he couldn’t hold it as heat began to build behind his eyes. Not overwhelming, but there. “Never had that before.” There wasn’t anything he could do to stop his breath from shaking on the way out, closing his eyes to fight the dampness building in them. Tried to focus on Alex’s hand on his, the fingers gently squeezing his - comfort and warmth and love that made more words spill out. “She saved me. Don’t know what would’ve happened if she didn’t. Probably wouldn’t have made it off the streets.” He shook his head. This wasn’t what he’d been expecting to think about again.

Just opened his eyes when he felt both of Alex’s hands holding his, cradling it carefully, thumbs rubbing slowly across the back. “You know, I wish I could meet her. And thank her for being there for you and everything.”

He forced a smile, a soft laugh, throat tightening, cutting off his breath. “So do I.” Because it would mean they wouldn’t be talking like she was just a memory. And that was more than he wanted to think about, tears finally falling as Alex wrapped his arms around him, and he relaxed into him. The throbbing, aching hole in his chest had reopened, but not from his guilt - not this time. Hadn’t known how much he just missed her. The way she’d laugh so openly, enough to make him feel comfortable, even back when he was still young and terrified. Just went about life so freely, but always making sure he felt like he belonged there, giving him comfort and love and happiness when he’d needed it most. He loved the family he had now - would give everything he had to keep them safe - but he just...he wished she could’ve been there, too. Because he had a family now, but he’d never known what that was until she’d given him one for the first time. He took a breath, tried to steady his breathing. “I'm sorry.” But didn't pull away, wanted to stay sheltered from the cool air, warm against Alex.

“Don't apologize. I get it, and I've got you, I promise.” Felt Alex hug him just a little closer, and he didn't fight it. Only leaned into him, let his breath slow of its own accord. Didn't move for a while after that either, content to keep breathing in the scent of Alex - different than Parks, sharper, but comfortable and safe all the same. Eventually, Alex shifted, adjusting his hold. “You know, whoever said you’re a cold, heartless asshole didn’t know a damn thing.”

Anders let himself laugh, leaning backwards far enough to see Alex's face. “Think that was you.”

“Okay, well, past me was an idiot. I feel like that’s not a surprise to anyone.” Alex grinned, though his eyes were still warm, and he reached for Anders’ hands. “Just curious, have you actually been back to this place? In, you know, your actual world.”

He shook his head. “Been a while. Not since Parks -” Not since he'd last seen her. Even longer before that. Wasn't sure the last time they'd ended up there; he'd stopped going as often the older he got. “Haven't been back.”

Alex seemed to understand the things he wasn't saying, just nodding, never letting go of his hands. “You planning to come back? Just a thought, cause, you know, good memories and all that. And I wouldn't mind seeing this place for real, either.”

Anders shrugged. “Maybe. Hadn't thought about it.” Really hadn't considered it. Hadn't even thought much about this place. Not with everything else that'd happened since then, turning his life around entirely, even if he couldn't complain about those changes. “Don't know what's happened to it.” Could've been owned by someone else now, for all he knew.

“Well, I mean, if you ever do, I'm sure you could manage to get the place back. Lucky you're a master thief, right?” Alex grinned at that again, Anders huffing out a small laugh. Genuine, because Alex could always lift his spirits, could help his heart stop hurting when it was in pain. Made him want this place back, want to sit out here with Alex - with his family - in this place that felt like home.

So he leaned forward with his answer, “Something like that,” and pressed their lips together, not letting go of Alex's hands, breathing through the dull throbs of nostalgia and hope in his chest. And let the kiss linger, soft and deep, not leading to anything further. Just comfortable, like they could stay there for so much longer, close and together on this porch. Widened that feeling in his chest, so deep and almost aching, making it hard to breathe, but not necessarily uncomfortable or unwanted. Not enough to break the kiss, sweet and soft and warm and right, pressing forward to try and deepen it. But enough to make him feel like he might deserve a family, like he was allowed to have this. Allowed to feel like he belonged somewhere, like he wasn’t just a burden. And he held onto that feeling, the aching warmth in his chest, deep in his heart, just hoping it would stay this familiar.

III.

Ended up being easier than Anders would’ve expected to eventually find his way back to the lake house. Didn’t go immediately after seeing it in his dream, talking about it with Alex; didn’t go searching for the next few years, either. Just never felt right to do it, not when seeing the place only in a dream had reminded him how much he still missed Parks. Not when it still felt like he owed her something for everything she’d done for him. So he’d made good on his word, planning jobs that she would’ve, stealing pieces that looked extravagant, came with legends behind them - the types of things that’d always caught her eye. And then keeping them, stored safely in his room in dedication of her, rather than selling them for profit like he would’ve done, had he been stealing them for himself.

Before eventually setting his sights on the same place where she’d made her name: the mysterious manor tucked away in the north, built to guard a vault buried far below, home to relics most people assumed were lost.

He couldn’t explain why it felt like the right thing to do. Just did, for whatever reason.

So he’d planned it, every aspect that he could, prepared for every trap he’d ever heard of. Eventually slipped in during the middle of winter, during the few weeks the family was away. Made his way down to the vault carefully, picking his way past locked doors, shutting off magical wards with the help of a few items Elias had picked up on his own adventures. Didn’t know what he’d find, and couldn’t plan ahead on what to take - just figured he’d have to decide once he saw it all. And almost wanted to say he’d been disappointed, nothing standing out to him any more than gems and gold usually did. Least until he’d found a pair of sheaths - black but encrusted in silver, accented with emerald green, the same design as the daggers Parks had taken from the same place. The daggers that she’d given him.

These were what he’d come here for.

Managed to escape the same way he’d gone in, leaving everything the way he’d found it, minus the missing sheaths. Then left via the route Esvele had told him, keeping hidden from places people usually wandered.

Ended up spending that night on the roof, wondering if he’d somehow made her proud.

And then waking up the next morning with his chest feeling looser, his breathing coming easy. The feeling like maybe he had.

Which was enough to let him start thinking about the lake house. Turned out Aldan had sold it some time ago, and it’d passed through a number of hands since them, eventually ending up willed to a small family with barely enough time to keep it in shape. Hadn’t been too hard to buy it from them with the money he’d saved from past jobs, finally getting the chance to walk through the halls he remembered as a kid, running his fingers along the wood panelling as he let a smile touch his lips, the same bittersweet, nostalgic warmth tightening around his heart.

Seemed so strange how much this felt like home.

That’d all happened a few weeks earlier, before he’d come back again with his new family, letting them explore the house while he’d felt himself pulled to the roof. Just sat at the edge, one knee pulled close and the other hanging freely as he let his mind wander, idly watching the sun set over the lake for longer than he cared to keep track. Barely paid any attention as the breeze cooled, the light dimmed. Didn’t even know what time it was when he could hear the sounds of people climbing onto the roof behind him, only that everything was glowing gold with the last few rays of sunlight. No reason to turn around, either. Already knew who those footsteps belonged to.

“You know, it’s a lot harder for all of us to get to you when you’re up here, you asshole.”

“Yes, Anders. Not all of us are used to being on top of buildings all of the time.”

“But, I mean...everything looks...it looks nicer from up here, right guys?”

Anders couldn’t help but smile, turning his head enough to barely glance back at all of them. “Still came up here anyway?”

“Of course we did.” Esvele moved toward his left, sitting next to him. Clearly feeling out of her element, but joining him regardless. “This place - it means a lot to you. And we do not want you to be alone if you do not want to be.”

“Yeah, and, I mean,” he felt Elias appear at his right, turning to watch him lower himself down, managing to keep from slipping in the process, “I don’t think I could’ve been raised by you without ending up just...used to sitting on the roof sometimes.”

“Come on, Anders. Did you really think we wouldn’t wanna join you after you brought us to this place?” Alex slid down behind him, chest warm against Anders’ back, arms looped around his middle in a loose hug as he leaned his chin against his shoulder. “You might be an asshole about seventy percent of the time, but we love you for it.” Anders huffed out a small laugh at that, letting his eyes slip shut, instinctively leaning into Alex’s embrace. Just felt nice, surrounded by so much warmth and love, surrounded by the family he’d thought for so long that he could never have. But they were all there, all wanted to be there for him. All believed in him more than he’d ever believed in himself.

It brought that deep, aching feeling back to his chest. The one that almost hurt, even though he never wanted it to go away. Because he knew what it was now, knew all of the feelings he had for the people around him. For his family.

“Thank you. For coming with me.”

He felt Alex’s arms tighten, one of Esvele’s hands finding its way to his shoulder as Elias leaned in closer. But it was Alex’s voice he heard. “And thanks for bringing us. Really, it...it means a lot, Anders.”

And he let out a small breath, relaxing in how comfortable it all felt, genuinely at ease with everything for the first time he could remember.

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